With my saviors (parents) out of town, I have the (thankfully) rare opportunity to attempt a day of work with both kiddos. And, we’re camping out at my parents’ house for the week while our floors are getting sanded and refinished, so have taken three trips to our house to try to remember enough Spanish to communicate the stain color. I’m still on part-time maternity leave so at least I just had to get in half a day, and am happy to say I did! And got a surprising amount done. But Joseph quickly realized the situation and took advantage of my lack of attention. He is 3y 8m old and did enough eye rolling, shrugging, and sighing to qualify for teenager status today. Some excerpts from the day:
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Me: Joseph, put on your pants!
Me: (5 min later) Joseph, put on your pants!
Me: (5 min later) Joseph, put on your pants!
Me: (5 min later) Joseph, there’s a problem here. It is that you aren’t wearing pants. What can you do to remedy that? …remedy means fix.
J: I don’t know.
Me: How about PUT ON SOME PANTS!
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Me: What is that?
J: I put a thread right through my hot dog bun!
Me: Well, don’t eat it.
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J: Look mom you can see my blood!
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Me: Why do I hear spitting?! What are you doing?
J: Nothing.
Me: Where are you spitting?
J: On my United States puzzle.
Me: Why?@! Get a towel and wipe it off.
J: How?
Me: By GETTING A TOWEL and WIPING IT OFF
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J: Mom, it’s not right!
Me: Joseph, these are undies. You put them on every day, come on.
J: I can’t doooo it!
Me: Well, first of all they are on backwards. Take them off and turn them around. There, now put one foot in that hole and one foot in the other. Easy.
J: I did it!
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Me: Joseph! Did you just throw a banana peel under there?! (He threw it under the hutch! He seems to have a habit of tossing banana peels in places other than the trash…I blame Curious George. Also, there were 3 bananas on the counter this morning…now there are none.)
J: Uh. Yeah. (shrugs)
Me: I can’t..I …wha…(insert various noises of frustration here…like that dad on A Christmas Story)
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J: Mom, I had an accident.
Me: What do you mean? An accident of pee? Well don’t just stand there, take off your pants, go to the bathroom!
J: (He goes, pees) What do I do now?
The thing about this was that he had an accident because he was completely absorbed in what he was doing, which was playing with a baggie full of rubber-bands of all sizes. I know, interesting, right?)
—
A ball of yarn drops in the doorway from the hallway above…
Me: What are you doing?
J: I am making an elevator just like I saw on Curious George out of yarn.
(yarn is being pulled up, ball of yarn remains on the floor, unraveling)
Me: It’s just unwinding you know….do you want to have some lunch?
J: No, not yet because I am perfecting my elevator.
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J: Mom, I am just going to eat one grape.
Me: Yeah, right.
J: Ok, I’m gonna eat two.
—
Me: Where are you going with that?
J: (indicates the other side of the kitchen island)
Me: That is Maddie’s sweatshirt.
J: No it’s not.
Me: Yes it is, look at it.
J: (he stretches out the arms and hood, examining closely) Hmm. Oh. Well…I’m gonna. You know. (he makes a wiping motion)
Me: What are you wiping up?
J: Pee. (a-ha, the pee from earlier!) On the stool.
Me: You are going to wipe up PEE with Maddie’s sweatshirt?!
J: (shrugs– apparently this is a fine idea)
—
J: There was a movie where the guy picked up a coconut with his bum!
Me: What movie was that?
J: The movie daddy was watching.
Me: Hmmm.
edit: Noah verified this later, yes the coconut stunt was in fact performed by Dave Matthews’s character (didn’t know he was ever in a movie) in a movie also starring “that overrated guy from SNL” (after many guesses that fit the bill, I correctly hit on Adam Sandler). IMDB revealed this masterpiece to be “Just Go with It” (2011). Already on cable, apparently.
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